My friend Amber came to me recently with a scenario that repeats itself over and over again in her family. She was at her wits end and wanted help.
Dinner is ready. Amber has made baked chicken, potatoes, green beans, and homemade rolls. Her husband, John, has gotten the children all washed up and assembled at the table. The aroma rising from the table is close to heaven and everybody dives in with relish. Everyone, that is, except for five year old Todd.
Todd whines, “I don’t like this.”
John rolls his eyes and says “Eat.”
Todd whines louder. “I don’t like it, Daddy!”
Todd continues to whine and pushes the food around on his plate.
Amber says, “Todd, you love chicken.”
“Only nuggets.” says the sulking Todd.
There is no mistaking the irritation in John’s voice when he says, “Todd, eat your dinner!”
And so it goes and escalates as it goes, every evening until everyone at the table is quite upset. Every meal is a battle to get Todd to eat what is placed in front of him. If his request for special food is denied, he fidgets, cries and squirms until dinner is over and everyone is miserable. Usually he either gets his chicken nuggets or the snack he demands a half hour after dinner is over. Many nights Amber cooks his chicken nuggets just to keep some semblance of peace at the dinner table.
John hates the whining. The other children are upset by the tension at the table. Amber worries about whether Todd is getting enough of the proper foods to be healthy. Perhaps worst of all, the mood of each meal is ruined for the entire family by the focus on Todd’s whining and refusal to eat.
I proposed to Amber a simple solution.
She is to prepare a dinner that the family would typically enjoy. They are to sit down at the table as usual. When Todd begins to whine, he is told politely and lovingly –
This is dinner for this evening. He can choose to eat it or not. The next food will be at breakfast.
The family is to ignore all whining and complaining and continue their family conversations as best they can. This may be difficult, but they are to outwardly ignore it. They are to say nothing more about his eating or not eating. Even if it is upsetting to them, they are not to show it. Amber and John can briefly reassure the other children –
Todd is deciding if he wants to eat dinner. Everything is okay.
When the meal is over, the evening is to proceed as normal. If Todd expresses his hunger, he should be lovingly reassured.
You are hungry because you chose not to eat dinner. Breakfast will be ready when you get up in the morning.
Todd will most likely be upset by this change in his life. He may create considerable upset and his parents may be tempted to give in. Amber and John must be patient and understanding and give him reassurance that everything is okay and breakfast will be available in the morning. Aside from some simple reassurance, their comments should be kept to a bare minimum.
It is very important that John and Amber stay in a loving space toward Todd. He has simply gotten in a habit of behaving in a certain way about food and needs help and support in changing it. This is NOT punishment. It is guidance. They are simply guiding Todd toward more healthy behavior around food.
It can be very helpful to offer attention not related to food… read a book, play a game, watch a movie.
They must not cave in and offer snacks.
Amber and John need to remember…
Todd will not starve.
What they are doing is to benefit Todd and the whole family.
In the morning, breakfast should be offered as usual. Todd will most likely be ready to eat. If he is not, the same process should be followed, with a reminder of when the next food will be available (ie. a mid-morning snack if that is the norm, or lunch). It is most important throughout that a loving, but matter of fact attitude be shown… no nagging, reminding, cajoling.
Amber and John must realize that they have helped to create this problem and must lovingly and firmly teach Todd a new way. It may be difficult for everyone, but it will be well worth it in the end and Todd will adjust quickly if the new rules are firm and delivered with love and without nagging, criticism, reminders or great shows of sympathy.
It is very important to give as little attention as possible to the problem of Todd’s mealtime behavior and his resultant hunger pangs.
Please note:
- I am not advocating depriving a child of basic nutrition. In fact, this method is the best way of assuring that a child eats the healthy and nutritious foods you provide. Skipping a meal or two or three will not hurt your child, emotionally or physically. Developing manipulative eating habits, as Todd has, is both emotionally and physically detrimental and needs to be addressed.
- I am not advocating refusing a child food. The child is offered healthy, nutritious, tasty food at regular mealtimes and normal , established snacktimes and is being allowed to choose whether to eat or not.
- I do not ever advocate forcing a child to eat. How many of us still can’t eat brussel sprouts, spinach or peas because we were forced to eat them as a child? How many of us still feel we must finish everything on our plates to the point of obesity because it was drilled into our heads that that clean plate was more important than the messages our bodies were sending to us.
The last time I spoke with Amber, Todd was eating with the rest of the family. Once a week, they have chicken nuggets and that is still his favorite food. Mealtimes have become pleasant family events that everyone can enjoy.
Here’s my favorite book on feeding infants and it all starts there, believe it or not…
Are you having discipline problems with your child? Would you like to see information on some family matter? Leave a comment. Ask a question. Maybe I can help.